Deep Inside…I am tired of being afraid to say I love you
I decided recently that I was no longer going to be afraid. I have always lived in fear, deep inside of me. Many people who know me will argue to their death that I am not afraid of anything, they usually would say I am one of the strongest and most courageous person they’ve ever known.
But what do you call a person who is afraid to love, who is afraid to say how they truly feel, whose true emotion is locked behind giant height of thick cold metal walls?
Love is the greatest thing, if we can’t have it or give it, then we are weak (my thoughts).
“sometimes we’re pathetic! If we hate someone, we tell it to everyone without any fear but if we love someone, we even fear to tell them”
Recently I’ve being learning to love. I discovered that in that area I have a deficiency, it took me really long time to realize this, I couldn’t express how I felt towards someone that I loved, I didn’t know how, I felt it was being weak, like submitting your power to someone else.
Back in school (University) a friend would always say to me “Anne, you are so unromantic” and I simply couldn’t understand her “what else do you want me to do” I always replied. Many of my friends are amazed that I am married and for even as early as I did, I would say it’s God’s grace making perfect my imperfections and giving me a partner who is patient and ready to help me learn. I simply don’t even know how we came this far with my emotionlessness, independence and pride but again I would say it is God’s grace.
I’ve been meaning to write this for days now but was procrastinating when my friend Oyiwodu Aje-Oitu shared one of her posts on Facebook from 2012 on 19th of this month, “sometimes we’re pathetic! If we hate someone, we tell it to everyone without any fear but if we love someone, we even fear to tell them”. Her post got me out of bed and I started writing what had been on my mind.
Fear is not of God! Love is the command.
I am tired of being afraid to say I love you, I need you, I can’t do without you, I never stop thinking about you, I don’t know what my life would have been if you were not in it, I cherish and adore you, you mean everything to me, I want to wake up to your smile every morning, I want to hold your hand, I am not going anywhere no matter what, I’m in love with you, I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to see you cry, et al.
I don’t want to be afraid to show how I feel, to give, to hold, to respect, to submit, to forgive, to make a move, to spend time with, to honour, et al.
I went for my uncle’s burial recently, we wept as he was laid to rest. As he was put into the ground and the wailing sky rocked, I couldn’t help but try to figure out all that went through several individual’s minds. Like every burial that I’ve attended I knew deep down that the emotion behind every tears was different.
“Love is not a weakness, Love is a gift.”
Some for the fear of death, some for realization of reality, some for the happy moments that they shared and would miss, some for the chance they will never have again to make it right, for lost hope, some for chances they never took, some for un-forgiveness, some for regret, some for the love that wasn’t shared, the feelings that weren’t said.
Love freely, give it all and receive it all, only then can one understand its depth.
Not loving is not living. We shouldn’t tell the dead how we feel, it’s too late. Tell them while they are here, love them while they are alive, forgive them when they hurt you, help them when they are in need, cherish them. Work it out with your spouse, show and tell them how much you love them, forgive your sister, your mum or your dad or your brother, your friend, whoever it might be, don’t wait until it’s too late. Don’t regret at their grave or on your dying bed.
Make that call, express that thought, show that love.
Love is not a weakness, Love is a gift.
Listen to My Beautiful Love by Johnny Drille.